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## Why Barney the dinosaur will kill you

Here I present three new mathematical discoveries for your edification.

1. According to Alexander Pope, “The proper study of mankind is man.” Symbolically,

S(mankind) = man,

where S(x) is the study of x. Now, Aldous Huxley tells us that “The proper study of mankind is books,” or

S(mankind) = books,

from which we can use the transitive relation to see that

man = books.

Of course, “Man is the measure of all things,” [Protagoras] so we immediately find that

man = books = μ(ξ).

Recall that μ(x) is the notation for the measure on a set, and we’ll use ξ to denote the universal set (ignoring Russell’s paradox as being too annoying). We already have a number of new apothegms, including

• The proper study of mankind is the measure of all things
• Books are the measure of all things
• Women are books

where in the final example we have used Henry Adams’ quote “The proper study of mankind is woman”. Of course, the astute reader will note that Cicero’s quote “So many books, so little time” then takes on a whole new meaning, as noted by the Robert Cray band.

2. We now move on to the observation that theology is the study of theology, a fact which is self-evident. In our notation this becomes

S(theology) = theology.

We can then do multiple substitutions to learn that

theology = S(S(S(S(S(S(S(···))))))).

It is now evident that theology, at its core, is the study of an ellipsis; it’s turtles all the way down. 3. We end with the following logical proof. Consider Nietzsche’s observation that “that which does not kill you makes you stronger.” Let

K = something which kills you,

S = something which makes you stronger.

Then Nietzsche’s quote is simply

~KS.

Applying the contrapositive, we see that

~SK,

meaning that anything which does not make you stronger must kill you. Barney the dinosaur certainly doesn’t make anyone stronger; therefore Barney kills.

You’re welcome.

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